How Do I Stop Arguing with My Partner?

You and your partner have had the same argument over and over. And each time it’s the same thing. You make your points. They make theirs. Things get heated. Nothing gets resolved.

Why is that such a common cycle? And what can you do to get out of it?

The Biological Problem

There’s a couple of factors at play here. One is simply physiology: once you get emotionally ramped up enough, your body goes into fight-or-flight mode. It loads up on stress hormones and adrenaline, preparing you to defend yourself against a saber-toothed tiger or whatever predator evolution equipped you to deal with.

This means that your brain is now reacting to immediate threat. You are not carefully considering your options. You are not looking at multiple perspectives. You are trying not to get eaten. And you are attacking back. This is when people tend to say those things that get really nasty that they wish they hadn’t said. It’s not pretty.

In short, your whole decision-making mechanism is operating differently at times of high stress than it is when you are relatively calm. You can’t make a good decision at that point. Which is ironic, because when things are tense with your spouse, that’s a time you’d really like to be able to make good decisions, no?

The Interpersonal Problem

The other issue at hand is that often people are in entirely the wrong lane.

Maybe you are arguing about the dishwasher again (tines up or tines down?). Maybe it’s an argument about how the last argument started. Maybe it’s something else equally unproductive. The approach is the same – you are trying to convince your spouse that you are right and they are not.

Let me ask you something: have you ever participated in or witnessed an argument over, say, politics in which one party was so powerfully convincing in their reasoning that their opponent stopped in their tracks, acknowledged defeat, and changed their mind?

No. No you have not.

The reason for that is this: people do not change their convictions easily. And they certainly don’t do it when their pride or their character is at stake.

Your partner is not going to agree that they started the argument because that would mean not only that they are wrong, but that they are unreliable and immature to boot. Nobody wants to accept those labels. 

Your partner is not going to change the way they load the dishwasher because you yelled them into submission. Or actually, they might, and then stew with resentment every time they load the dishwasher again. This is not a recipe for relationship success.

What Needs to Change

So what do we do differently to shift from arguing about the problem to actually seeing a solution?

Well, the first thing is to not do this from fight-or-flight mode. That means that when things get hot between you, it’s time to take a break. This is not easy. It’s not comfortable. But it helps a whole lot.

When the conversation begins to get edgy – not when it’s already an all-out yelling match, but when it begins to get tense – that’s the time to call it and say, “You know what, this conversation isn’t going very well. I’m going to take a break.” Then you pack out and go to a different room.

This is not sweeping things under the rug. This is not conflict avoidance. This is protecting the relationship by preventing things from getting out of control.

Do not sit in the other room planning your next comeback. Instead, do something to distract yourself and calm yourself down. That could be a little exercise, yoga, video games, knitting, cat videos, whatever it is that will help get your heart rate down and your brain cleared of cortisol.

When you come back later (or, if need be, the next day), you’ll both be in much better shape to actually communicate about the issue instead of just yelling.

What Makes Change

The second thing we need to do is change our perspective on change.

As we noted, nobody ever changes their mind or their behavior because you beat them into submission. Your partner is far more likely to change what they’re doing – sustainably – out of empathy rather than out of coercion.

Explain to your partner how you feel when they do X. Why does it cause you anxiety when they put the tines up? What hurts you when they stay out later than they said they would? How does it impact you when they tell their friends what’s happening in your marriage?

If your spouse cares about you, then eliciting their empathy for your plight inevitably makes an impact. (If they don’t care about you, we have an entirely different problem here.) That doesn’t mean that there will be an instant, 180-degree change. But it does mean we are likely to move in the right direction.

If you care about someone, and they tell you how sad and scared they feel when you do [insert behavior here], the only way you could keep doing the same thing is by denying, rationalizing, or otherwise blocking out their experience. But if you genuinely listened and heard their pain, you will undoubtedly be moved, if only slightly, in the direction of doing something different.

Connection wins over coercion every time.

Doing it Differently

The cycle of arguments is exasperating and painful. But you don’t have to keep going through it forever. Change is possible. Start here: 

Take a break when things start to get heated. Come back later.

Aim for empathy, not victory. Let your partner into your inner world instead of trying to force them to abandon theirs.

It’s not necessarily quick or easy. But making these changes will make a big difference in your relationship. Need help with it? Couples counseling is a great way to get that kind of support.

Your relationship deserves it.

Author:

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C provides couples counseling in Baltimore. He is the author of The Couples Communication Handbook: The Skills You Never Learned for the Marriage You Always Wanted.